jeffrey + upstairsloft

One more thing. You know I got that new Radiohead joint. Finally.

I recall the days when I was zombified out of my mind during design school. My body and spirit went through so much shit during the last year of college. I was hardcore. Why are my body and spirit so weak now? I want to relive the glory days of being able to sleep, eat and physically function at a minimum why being able to maximize my thinking and creativity. Now, 5 months after graduating, all I feel is exhaustion. This 10 to 12 hour a day thing is kicking my ass.

But today, I saw a glimpse of how school was. Today was hardcore at work. So much had to be done in so little time and it got done. In a 10-hour day, I only ate a banana, a nutri-grain bar and had two cups of coffee (yes, I’m drinking coffee again; that’s another story). After being away from home for 13 hours was I finally able to sit down to a proper meal. Today reminded me of design school.

I never hope to see a graphic design reality show on Bravo. I’ll cut off my pinky toe with a 5-month used x-acto blade and spraymount my eyes shut.

On a lighter note, Kate provided me with some perspective. While I continue to document my exciting days of the work world with anything but happy thoughts and humor, she reminded me that I am half way there. I am working in the city I’ve sought out to work in for so long. I landed a great job in just over a month of searching. While the commute and adjustments are taking its toll on me, I need to remember that I am halfway there and I’d rather be busy and tired than swimming in stagnant water. Soon enough, Kate and I will claim out own spot again. How many times have I blogged that?

I hate sleeping this early. I start work at 9 but I have to wake up 3 hours prior. I love living at home and I don’t have as many reservations about as I had a few months ago, but I look forward to living near SF to cut down my commute and need to wake up too early. Like I said, I loved my school schedule, sleeping 2 to 4 hours a day for an entire year. But I had control of my schedule.I squeezed in power naps.

Catch me dreaming. I sleep at 1 or 2am. Wake up at 7:45. Leave for work at 8:36. Arrive at 8:55. I’d be a much happier camper and I’d be living with Kate again. Sleeping by midnight is just stupid; plain and stupid. It’s not natural. I’ve been going to sleep by 2 for over a decade. Sigh. Kate and I decided to move to Daly City. Yep. I broke down to the idea. No West Oakland. No SF. Daly City. It’s much more affordable, much closer and plus, it’ll be a temporary and much better situation than commuting. I hate forcing myself to sleep. Good night.

Today I started my full-time post with the Loomis Group in San Francisco. It was cool. I miss Kate dearly and all the adjustments happening in such a short span are kicking my ass. One moment I’m living in Sac, then I’m in Milpitas, with all the other drastic changes in between. Kate and I still need to fully move out of the Sac house. Visiting that house is going to be depressing with our dead plants and the ghost town atmosphere of an already past-life. I remember moving to Sac in 2004, thinking three years is plenty of time, yet, with how much we’ve grown as people, designers and a couple, it still seems like quite a short journey.

As for the new job, I like it. I surprised myself with my choice of graphic design employment but it’s going well and I will grow and learn tons. The thing I dread is the commute. I get up at 6 to leave home at 7, to work at 9 because parking at BART is a pain in the ass. Basically, my 8.5 to 9 hour day expands to a 12 hour day and I am pooped when I get home. I force myself to the gym to release and regain some energy, hang out with friends and stay healthy, while exhausting myself to sleep by midnight.

My anxiety is beating me up and I am more anxious and pushy to move into a place for just me and Kate.

The great thing is, Kate and I are closer to agreeing on a plan for our future. Being an adult is really taking a toll out of me and living in a place of my own and resuming my regular schedule like the one I had in Sac will definitely help get things back on track. Commuting sucks; I hope for it to be as temporary as possible.

I have a lot of anxiety going into work tomorrow. There are tons of lifestyle adjustments I need to make, all my time in school leads up to this pivotal point where I join the 9 to 6 club and I can’t stop my mind from running on these thoughts.

I remember, August 22, the day we came back form the Philippines, and dreading being home. I actually wanted to stay in the Philippines a bit longer because I had a great time there; especially with Kate being with me. I also knew a lot of this was because there wasn’t a job to come back home to. Just over a month ago, I was dying for a job.

Kate and I only moved back to Milpitas a week before we took off for the Philippines. In the last month, I’ve grown accustomed to my lifestyle. It’s the only time I actually had time to re-adjust to living at home. Not that I start being an employed citizen tomorrow, I feel uneasy with adjusting my lifestyle. I enjoyed waking up at 8 or 9, running morning errands, heading over to the cafe and doing anything related to design or a job-search. It was a pleasant routine with subtle surprises.

Once in a while, Jun, Carole or Abby would join Kate and me. Sometimes I was by myself. We had lunch dates with my parents. We had lunch dates with friends. We’d sometimes chill at night to hookah or just chat.

I never got out of being the workaholic I was until the past month where I finally had real downtime and now that I am starting a 9 to 6, I feel real uneasy. I feel anxiety. I’ll miss seeing Kate as much as I do. I’ll miss just hanging out with my family. I feel like I’m being stretched into a position I know I’m capable of being in but I’m being too stiff.

What I need to do is look beyond the things I had going in the past month and look forward to the new things but it’s easier said than done. I’ll still see them all at the gym every night. I live at home so I’ll catch a glimpse at my parents when I’m not at work or commuting (BARTing it doesn’t quite cut down commute time when you have to leave 45 minutes early before your train leaves because parking at BART is a bitch). I’m just real shaky about all these changes. I feel out of the loop with my designer self. It’s lame, but it’s true.

I swear, this past month feels like it is an entirely separate summer vacation. It feels like I graduated a year ago. I honestly get nostalgic just looking at pics from before the Philippines trip because it feels like it was ages ago. Hell, I even get nostalgic from looking at pics two weekends ago. I swear I don’t have ovaries; my hormones aren’t unbalanced. I seriously have been feeling this way for over a week.

My memories of the past month or so clear and fresh but it feels like it was ages ago. How uneasy is that?

Will Britney kill herself tomorrow?