jeffrey + upstairsloft

It’s hard to fathom how much I’ve grown, especially while acknowleding how childish at heart I still am. I’m getting better at finding the balance between playing the role of a child and adult. I realized this because I was browsing my 2005 iPhoto library and realized how long ago that was but how not long ago it feels. 2006 was hell and 2007 has shaped up. But from 2005 until now. there has been this huge, seemingly invisble gap—it feels like I skipped time.

I’ve been so consumed in my design education that I forget to pause and breathe. It was almost a year ago where Rob and I were offered the internships at the School of the Arts—a year ago! I remember designing in that studio like it was last month. There’s a disconnect and a curve where time and emotions should be parallel. I haven’t been home since early April, and here I am for the first time since. It’s May 4. I feel like I was just sitting at this desk last week. At the same time, it feels like I’ve gained a year’s worth of knowledge since I was last here. Huge disconnect.

Anyhow. My birthday wishlist.
Spider-Man Pop-up Book
Helvetica Notebook
Pentagram Papers
Pencil Case
‘62 Fender Strat 3tone Sunburst
Beatles Anthology

Kate vented—sent via e-mail. Vince vented—sent via e-mail. Here’s mine and here’s what’s been bugging me for the past month.

My anxiety possesses me at least once a night and when it does it hits hard. I’m fortunate to have Kate but I don’t dare burden her with any of my shit anymore when she has her own to worry about. A lot of it has to do with landing my dream job and second and third-guessing my abilities as a designer. Do I expect to land my dream job? Seriously and honestly, I fucking hope it and I’d be crushed if I didn’t. I’m not talking about running with Paula Scher at Pentagram or working side-by-side with Max Spector at Chen Design.

A colleague of mine, also a close friend, is flying out to Chicago for a job interview at VSA, a highly respectable design studio. Yeah. Rob. And it’s like, I’m waiting for mine. Me and him have worked extremely hard and grew to great heights and we both have the right attitude to keep moving forward. Am I jealous? No. Not a hint of it. But I am impatient. I want to know what is in store for me. We are referred to as the “dynamic duo” by few, as well as the “suck-ups,” “kiss-asses” and Gwen’s favorites. Bullshit aside, we do work extremely hard and absorb as much as we can. I’m at that insecure point where I need some reassurance that I’m a talented chap and all that hard work and all those sleepless nights and days paid off. Yeah yeah. Talent isn’t everything. But it should at least get me some offers. I’m passionate as ever, even more-so than ever but I’m just mentally exhausted and I’m ready to take on the profession. I just want to start it off right. I’m telling you. My anxiety possesses the hell out of me.

I will forever strive to push myself forward in education and learning new stuffs. College is no more in 24 days. Like this talking is acceptable when college is not attended not so soon n more. I am almost done. My brain is mush. After college I will be carefree and hibernate for a few days. Play some video games. Ride some bike. Maybe buy some things. I want an 80s motorcycle. I’ll save for that. I’ll look for a job. I’ll land a job. I’ll move home for a few months. I’ll move to SF. But before that. I must, at all costs, avoid showering with the hair dryer plugged in, stray away from cliffs and avoid sleep. 3 days. 6 or 9 something hours of “sleep.” Geez I feel fucking lousy. Almost there. Almost there.