jeffrey + upstairsloft

After 30 days of my uncle’s passing, I’m trying very hard to get over the slump I hit. I’m slowly coming to terms with the whole idea of not having him physically in my life. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to come to terms with the idea that the next time I will see my Lola is in the form of a marble slab pushed into grass.

I’m trying hard not to be so bitter about everything. I’m really full of spite and I cannot channel in any positive energy when I am around people—especially the crowd who only knows and sees that 5% tip of the iceberg. Basically, I’m highly sensitive and I will grieve over anything that I find insulting; and lately, people are just making such an effort to slap me in the face with their narrow-mindedness and remarks that are uncalled for.

It’s my senior year and with 10–30 hours of sleep a week, I dedicate my life to schoolwork, internship and assisting my professor in teaching two classes. I am quite sensitive to the lack of appreciation, the misunderstanding and rude ass comments geared towards me. But the good news is, I’m inching forward with the whole death stuff. I’m quite sure it’s a bunch of things messing me up but I’m just reallll edgy as of lately.

I want another vacation to New York.

My idea of heaven has always been on standby. While that was one of many thoughts I contemplated as a kid, I still have not committed to any ideas of what eternal paradise is. While I have heard and read about awesome interpretations (i.e. 5 People You Meet in Heaven), I feel I have not lived enough life to commit to any one idea. Rather than feeling sorry for me for being young and 23, I still have many years to define this concept of heaven. I’m an open-minded, indepedent-thinking creature and I’m not shutting myself away from any one idea. This philosophy even plays out in my design process if you’ve observed how I go about teaching—to suspend judgement and be open-minded to all ideas as having potential to lead to new ideas.

In the bigger scheme of things, I just haven’t committed to any ideas. Don’t feel sorry for me, just be hopeful that all the experiences in life I come across will lead to an awesomly designed heaven. Life (and after) is what we make of it. I guess that’s my take on this whole subject. I find it hard to heavily rely on religion to make decisions for me.

Why would people want to spend so much money on wine when Arbor Mist taste way better and it’s $3 on sale. I finally decided to crack open a fresh bottle of 2006 Arbor Mist White Zinfandel to relax me along through working on some of my design projects. I’m juggling between four at the moment and I figured I can let a little buzz steer me along through the experience. I’m pulling my hair out for the Spring Portfolio Showcase project. I’m being pushed towards image-making for this project because I am getting kicked in the ass to not use type as a crutch this time. Bugger.

Brooklyn.

Think positive. This summer I earned and was offerend an internship for Sac State’s School of the Arts until I graduate. This year I visited New York and had a blast in San Diego. There was a huge family gathering for Uncle Raymond. Science of Sleep is my fave since Garden State. Incubus’ Light Grenades comes out November 28. I’m tired of this shitty year and I will do my best to make the most out of the remaining two months. But before I do that, I really need to learn to accept recent events. I’m not ready to accept Uncle Raymond’s death. My Lola’s death is still still a fresh wound until I visit her site. And although the world is annoying the hell out of me more than ever, I’ve never been so able to acknowledge the brilliance in the most obscure ideas since I’m zombified half of the time I’m conscious.

So I’m just innocently checking my e-mail and I hear this violent buzzing. I walk around the SOTA design studio and see this 1.25+ inch bee beetle stinging looking thing. This thing was mad buzzing. I thought I can take it on but it was being a tricky little bugger—in between the window and blinds.

I sat down for a while, contemplated life and how I’m going to take on this beast. I heard the door to main office door open and Lilia, the secretary, walked back in. Like a good little filipino, I informed her of the situation—yet again, putting an auntie in danger (if you recall the time June and me got Kate’s mom to rid that frozen looking squirrel off their front steps. It was just dead on its back—frozen.) Anyhow, she advised me to call some people on campus.

I went back in the design studio, looked at it again and thought, “Ugh….” So I called those people and they will save me from that violent beast of a bee.

Funny how a destructive kid who would play with dynamite if given the chance won’t take on this killer bee of death. I weird myself out too sometimes.

And I don’t think my friend, Rob, would have handled the situation heroically either. He’s a pretty semi-buff guy and I think he might have ran the hell out of the room. Sorry Rob. But I’m no better either. I think Jun and Paul could have taken it on since they see 4″ spiders in the Philippines—being born there and all. Hah.

That prozac behavior in class needs to stop. We’re in a professional and learning environment. People are forgetting that we are students at the bridge of our professional careers. Rude and spiteful comments and flipping people off behind their backs isn’t the best place to put yourself. Sadly, this behavior is exhibited in both the senior and junior classes.

This creative profession is fun and sometimes what I do is called productively hanging out. But flipping people off behind their backs over an insignificant and silly comment is beyond unnecessary—especially when the person who you are flipping off is taking a grip of time to help 40 other students to receive a fulfilling graphic design education. Especially when that person arrives to class unprepared with an invaluable amount of work completed. The ratio of people who take our graphic design education seriously saddens me.

1. Remember that we’re in a professional and learning atmosphere.
2.Take education seriously. $2,000 a sem. is a lot of money.
3.Don’t be a dick.

I am excited to see my cousins who I haven’t seen in years. It’s like we never grew apart. I am not ready to say goodbye to Uncle Raymond. I feel like I lost a huge chunk of my childhood. He was one of several uncles who raised me. He was my disciplinarian uncle when I was a hyper little brat. He always put everybody else ahead of him. Unfortunately, that’s also what took him.

It’s so easy to isolate memories that involve just him. He was a regular in my life. He’s also my godfather. He is one of 14 siblings. He’s the first to go. I have extreme anxiety issues as of lately. The burial is next Tuesday. It’s tough balancing life and school. They used to be so well integrated. I spend half of my time in class reminiscing. I sleep less. I honestly have no idea how I can take up all these projects. Somehow, I am not falling behind. I’m proud of that, but I’m pretty bummed about everything else.

Life hit hard this year. I’m just a zombie. My subconscious is what has been driving me lately and there’s about a million other things going on in school. Fortunately, I do not have an ounce of regret about taking on any of these projects. But I have no idea what I am talking about now. Oops.