jeffrey + upstairsloft

So Kate’s debbie downer attitude inspired me to blog about typical scenarios of people beating themselves up because they “can’t do something.” And because Kate loves making me look like more of an ass than I already am, I feel I should de-abstract the previous post

I countlessly hear people around me complain about how they can’t do something—typically, they haven’t tried. And if they tried, it was brief. It’s too burdening to have the “I can’t” attitude when one hasn’t even tried. It’s as annoying as hearing your friends negatively review a movie they never even saw—it’s all fluff, all hot air. Valueless complaints. “I’m too lazy” is a stronger justification as to not doing something than “I can’t” or “I suck.”

Now in this particular situation, Kate (and I agree), received a low blow of a grade—completely unexpected. I actually want to take the initiative to ask the instructor why; but it is not my place. Kate will wallow in this, leaving it up to her imagination to make the (ahem) best of the situation until she hears the justification for her grade. For the past several weeks I have been supporting her and giving my best effort to help her up but it’ like helping a grumpy kid get up off the ground. She’ll play along and allow you to lift her up and then instantly let all her weight hit the ground.

I’m accused of never knowing what it feels like. Well fuck, Im never even satisfied with the work I ever put out. I will announce that on this blog for everyone to read and let it deter myself from landing a decent job because of this self-contciousness. Try being in a class where your extreme ambition distorts how people see you as being over confident.

I suck at drawing, it’s hard as hell to focus, my mind wanders, it takes hours and days to let ideas marinate, my mind wanders. I don’t let it get in the way anymore. If I suck at drawing, hell, get better at sucking. If it takes two days to let brainstorms evolve, allot myself a reasonable time to let idea marinate. It’s not like my goal is to play hopscotch on the moon. Although that would be extremely fun. My mind wanders. Plus, I think our surroundings judge design on taste and outside of context.

Don’t let petty shit stop you from what you want to do. You came this far, 5 bloody years of school, knowing you wanted to get into this since our senior year field trip to the design firm in SF. If it sucks, make it better. If somebody on crack says it sucks and you truly feel it’s good, laugh with them. It’s not like you masturbate to the mirror with your own work like several individuals with whom we are acquainted.

“I suck at photography. I’m not as good in design as I’d like to be. “Then actually go out and photograph. And actually play with text, shapes, paper, colors, collages, scraps, slice, burn, rip, scan, soak it in water, print it, rearrange it, crop it, shred it, tape it, piece it back together, play with the programs, photocopy, photocopy the photocopies, photocopy the photocopied photocopies, soak them and hang dry them, paint, draw, draw on paint, paint on drawings, paint on photocopies, build stuff, silkscreen, paint on silk, burn silk and glue it on paper, stick paperclips in sockets. Explore. Play. Forget about complaining. It’s not productive. Kick complaints in the ass.

The only person stopping you from doing what you want is that bitching voice in your head that says you can’t do it. If I were beating myself over this, I would beat myself over a piece of paper so I can catch a cool bloody pattern or I would connect the bruises on my body with a sharpie pen to find a cool and intricate pattern of lines and purple blots. Might as well make something of yourself—even at your lowest point. If you bathe yourself in stagnant water, you’re washing yourself with your own pee and caca. That’s gross.

It’s too lonely and too quiet to do any work around here. I’ve been trying to knock myself out since 12 but my mind is way too chatty to sleep. I wish I could just work on class projects with somebody right now. Kate and I have different mental schedules when it comes down to work. Even on projects we work on together, we’re at different state of minds. I’d love to be in a studio right now with a bunch of other people working on stuff who just can’t sleep either—like a design insomnia nation. I’m the type of person who would hate being alone and the last one to leave the office. It’s too eerie for me, you know?

Often times strangers can reveal truths about ourselves with their candid perceptions. I don’t mean when strangers approach us with a prepared thesis about how, who and what they think we are. I mean the subconscious.

The way people react towards us through inference. Somehow some strangers find it easy to approach us; they feel some sort of way they can attach with you, whether long term or just for the time being.

You’ll see this kind of behavior at cafes. That’s a good example for those of us who live near them or take the initiative to enjoy them. The friendly faces behind the counter are abundantly approached by all sorts of customers. They develop this tacit [intuition] of assigning a sort of casual dialogue with different kinds of customers.

Often times this starts with “How was your day?” and it can stem into many directions. Sometimes the friendly faces behind the counter are burdened with the customers who loves to reveal too much about their lives in the next 2 minutes—about how her husband hasn’t paid alimony and she is being evicted from her apartment if she doesn’t come up with rent within the next week. Then the friendly faces behind the counters pick up on that and learn to deal (or even prevent) with that sort.

The reason why I mention this is because I’ve been approach by all sorts of people lately and I’ve engaged in awesome dialogue with people and some shitty ones. This never happened before. I was kind of out of the loop and only approached by old high school or childhood mates who think of me as how they last remembered me—like referencing old snapshots as something recent.

This had me raising some questions. What is different about me now than in the past? Have I matured that much without realizing it (the last time I checked I was still annoying the hell out of current classmates with my stupid antics and obnoxious wit). I know the vague answers to these questions but it’s a good assessment to reflect on once in a while.

Take a short breather, see how far you’ve travelled and pick up on wherever you were going. Never fail to recognize how and who you were in the past because it shapes who you are today and tomorrow.

On April Fool’s, I bought a Canon Rebel XT. Since then, I bought a 50mm f/1.8 Mark I lens. Since then I’ve taken some photos to document what I’m doing with my time—class, projects, homework and playing around with a ghetto mini studio lighting rig I set up for myself. Here’s life from the past 17 days.

>>> The Past 17 Days [url]

I remember the amount of patience, hard work and growth it took me to get into a state university. State university was a huge goal for me to achieve, despite the amount of morons that roam campus who somehow merited acceptance straight out of high school.

I remember my high ambition to earn a degree from a state university. That’s partly because my parents didn’t graduate college because they had me. They landed themselves successfully. They are very fortunate and so am I. However, I am losing the ambition to graduate, to earn my degree, to receive a piece of paper that “This guy Jeff, he’s the shit. He has a degree.” It is a nice gesture. It’s a cool piece of paper to have. But it’s just paper. I know. I know. I hear that a lot too.

Honestly, the only reason I’d like to earn a degree is solely based on earning a degree. It’ll be a nice piece of paper to frame, or a document to keep in their filing cabinet with my Student-of-the-Month awards (those were huge for me. I was a pain in the ass to all teachers).

Degrees are big things in the work field, so why do I discredit a piece of paper that says “Congrats! You are the shit.”? Because I am bloody tired. I have to take more general ed courses and I am too focused and too driven to bother with any other remedial classes. Design is cool. Writing essays for english and ethnic studies were cool.

For the record, I love learning. I am learning rich informatiom now. I never want to stop learning. My thinking skills, reinforced by my undyingly humorous wit (ha… or how obnoxious my classmates think of me), are constantly growing. My problem solving skills have strengthened on a weekly basis; I am constantly thinking. Earning a degree by taking useless classes will only slow me down—honest to God. I’m not a stagnant type of person. I must keep moving and this whole degree notion is just a drag.

I’m applying for graduation tomorrow. I’m probably failing Government, since I failed two midterms (again, useless information). Why don’t I just study? Well, this is why. The stupid thing of me is that I act on inspiration.

I’m inspired easily but when it comes to useless absorption of information that will eventually be forgotten, it’s tough to keep inspired. You know what a class of “useless information that will eventually be forgotten” does to you? It stunts your growth as a creative individual. Well, kind of. I have an awesome stream of ideas to write down when I am in these classes but the sacrifice is defeating the purpose of enrolling in that class.

If I found a hundred thousand dollars, I would pay my parents back for wasting their money on me in school, pay my way through CCA, buy a couple of lenses for my cameras, take Kate on some cool dates, pocket some travel money and give the rest to my parents so they can pay off bills so they can just save money to travel.

Being in a university is getting in the way of my education.

Kate keeps urging me to cut my hair because my front is getting too long. I keep holding off on it because I want to look homeless again. Today I watched the Chili Peppers on AOL Sessions and I popped on my Frusciante-esque shirt. May is the month of all months. Pirates II, X3, Da Vinci Code, my birthday and RHCP Stadium Arcadium. Summer is around the corner.

http://jeffrox7.yelp.com

Kate and I finally attended our advanced silk screen class. We haven’t attended for a good two months. I always said it’s because I’ve been too busy (which I have) with design work that it put a strain on me to attend any lab sessions—which is any time since we’re on the key list.

But I realized that I just wasn’t inspired. I’m inspired now. I’m drawing, brainshitting and so forth. I realized that I am the type of person who will, for the most part, act on inspiration as long as it’s within a reasonable reach. One day, I will just get up and leave to fly to Alaska to chill somewhere. Seriosuly.

Rob, Vince, Tojo and I will be making a site dedicated to our lighthearted yet serious approach towards photography. Slowly but surely, but it will be up. Nibbles at a time.

Everyday I check the weather, our sunny days keep getting pushed back. I love rain, I love clouds, but I love it more from October through March. It’s damn near May and Russia keeps giving us whack weather. Tease us with a sunny day today and take it all back with 4 more days of rain. Russia. Stop.