jeffrey + upstairsloft

I regret my basic design principles class from Ohlone College. I should have been sensitized to deconstructing a real object of its light and shade so I can produce a fine reductive drawing. I was taught graphic design by a ceramics teacher when there were 2 other well-qualified instructors who graduated from the San Jose State program. If only I knew how much of a better education I would have received if I transferred to another class… I didn’t learn much in that class. The year I spent with the two SJSU graduates after my beginning course was awesome but their beginning course was so crucial and I really should have been in their classes.

I have too much doubt in myself. I blame too many things. I should either suck it up and realize I suck or just try to make something great with the talent I am given. I have no set talent. I do a little of too many little things. Some type. Some photo. Shitty drawings. Everything some. Some. Some. Some. Nothing whole. Paul can draw and paint like a motherf_.

Sadly but true, I wake up every morning and contemplate about how I can be a better designer. I swear, I put too much pressure on myself that I just feel cornered every time I need to find a solution, even to the simplest task. I’m only 22 but I feel burndt out and washed up. I feel like my career is going down the drain but I don’t have a career; and I know I have so much to learn. I tell myself I need to take a break but I’ve taken so many. I take this way too seriously but how else am I going to achieve above and beyond mediocracy?

I performed 1/7 deadly sins today–sloth. Woke up at 10 when I should have been at work by 10. Worked ’til 2. Got a California burrito and carne asada fries at my fave Sac taqueria. Indulged. Napped for 3 hours. Woke up. Read useless articles on the web. Vince dropped by. Chilled a bit. Munched on some home-cooked brownies, and here I am. On a sugar high while Kate plays the damn ps2 again. And if that ain’t sloth, I even watched an episode of Punk’d and half of Pimp My Ride.

No more days like this. Tomorrow, I will ride my bike around town, swim, run, jog, take some pictures and read. Or maybe the day after. Dammit. Today was just baddddddd. Not to mention I was supposed to be at a capoeira class but decided it was too slow-paced for me. I’ll just do monkey flips in our living room.

All those months of mental replenishment just went down the drain.

Everything in my personal life is going just great. I’m spending quality time with Kate that I haven’t spent in a while (though we live together). What’s great is Kate and I can spend quality time together even while other people are around–yeah… I connected with Kate in these last several days than we’ve connected in a while even while Paul was up in Sacramento for a visit.

On the other hand, the other side of my life, the young prospective creative professional of me wants more–not from this relationship but from life. I want to experience more culture, observe areas with dense populations and just let others’ lives roll past by me while I capture that moment with the quickness of a shutterspeed, with the spark of inspiration for an idea. I spent quite a few hours with the 12 sets of pictures that I developed since the beginning of Jun and all of the rolls are filled with much more life than I can only try to capture here. Perhaps I neglect the environment I am in right now because I have no passion or love for the city of Sacramento. Perhaps I am taking my surroundings for granted and it really is a wonderful place of culture. Or perhaps Sacramento is just a really suburb masked in the form of what seems to be a big city. This city stretches pretty far but it seems to lack life and culture that I’ve been exposed to elsewhere.

When I go out, all life seems pretty much the same. There is not much variation. Don’t get me wrong, there are wonderful people I have met in the last year and a half, living here.

Sacramento is far more larger than Milpitas and I feel that living in Milpitas has sheltered me in a box, and now that I am adapting to Sacramento, I am adapting to another box, a far more bigger box, but still a box. I just want to get out and move to a place with life, where a walk around the block is enough experience and life to satisfy what I can get out of a week or two in Sacramento–in a city where a single brick in the wall has texture with a story to tell from its 100+ years of being, as opposed to a city where construction noises will continually penetrate these cuts of drywall. My family and friends know where I truly want to live–as for now, I gotta work for it. I’m a fly-on-the wall character and just observing life is good enough experience to satisfy me.

I posted Lomo/Nikon FE pics from Hawaii. Check out my links page.

>>>Links Page

Nothing beats bonding with your loved one like powerbombing her. Kate let me do aerial wrestling slams on her on a punch of pillows on her bed. Her favorite move was the powerbomb. She was cracking up. She liked the “whole being upside down” part. She’s special. It only took 6 or 7 slams before she got dizzy. She rocks.

Posted 3 of the 12 sets [pre-Hawaii rolls]:

>>>NoCAA Camping [Lomo LC-A]
>>>Environments [Lomo LC-A]
>>>The Day Before Hawaii [Nikon FE]

I added a little bugger of a red square on the bottom of my layout. I haven’t quite gotten it right but it either takes you to an intergalactic spaceship cruiser or to a links page. Which ever.

I need to unlearn everything I learned at work before it bogs me down and stunts my development as a good graphic designer–negligence. There is no process. Everything I created that is anything close to aesthetically pleasing was torn down, ripped apart, spat on with horrid ideas, nothing thought out of, just ideas that people sharted in the air because they’ve seen it somewhere. I wake up every morning and try to erase mediocracy but I get to work and I’m swimming in a turd-infested pool. Any effort to assume a process is unappreciated. Who cares about process, right? Whip something up. That’s graphic design.

Graphic design isn’t sticking your hand up your butt, grabbing that chunk of premature fisces, lathering it in your palms, drawing stick figures on the wall and calling it brand identity for RotoRooter; though that process does seem to involve much more effort and creativity than where I’m sitting. Mudbutt.

The job listing acquired for a graphic designer but what they want is someone to manage markup language, scripts and shit out logos with photoshop effects as an alternative to the default-looking Library Eureka Catlog banner (which in all honesty does not look that bad). If anything, all the library websites need a damn new layout. I have a bit of talent in this field but it goes to waste every Monday – Thursday @ 10-2. And that’s a portion of the bullshit.

Before moving to Sacramento I hated the idea of being away from the ocean. Though Northern California beaches are crap compared to SoCal’s, it’s always a comforting notion to be near water. Then taking huge advantage of beaches in Hawaii took that ideal and multiplied my love for the water exponentially. Here I am, back in Sac since June 3, and all I have to say is… why can’t somebody build Sacramento an ocean or something…dammit.

I dread being here right now. On the beach in the morning, afternoon and midnight, almost everday. Now, in a hot valley, beach-deprived, and when I go back to work they probably have things for me to do (when I should be scanning 13 sets of pictures for my own benefit while getting paid). This may sound stupid and I may sound like a whining brat, but, LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

The photos are pretty insane. I developed 10 rolls of film, 4 from the Nikon and 6 from the Lomo. What’s great is I expected to pay at least $70. Went to Costco, said F_uck it. Even tho it’s less than $4/roll, I did not want glossy. Checked out Safeway and Walgreens while I was gettin a sandwich and of course, $$$$$. So, went back to Wal-Mart, made a discovery that their 2-day processing really means 3-days. So, I 1-houred it. Came back, they weren’t done. Waited 25 min. Nice lady gave me 50% off and I paid $40. I have 13 sets to scan. Yikes. But god, they are quite cool.

I’m getting the knack for (if this makes any sense) controlling arbitrary composition. Yeah, that didn’t make sense, but, the pics rock. The pics I posted were off of Kate’s digital camera, since I only brought film. Digital can never produce this much depth. There, I said it. The screen cannot produce nearly as many colors as film and paper. The bias is growing, but, I must keep in mind everything has its application and there are a million and one ways to achieve a solution with the million and one resources. But Hawaii was a time for analog. No digital of my own and no laptop.

Here’s a pic I took of Kate with the LC-A @ Pearl Harbor:
>>>Preview

The tough part is re-adjusting to “normal” life. Anyhow, the night before we left for Hawaii, Kaye, Rich, Kate and I were packing up for Hawaii and we extended our invitation to Paul at last minute. So he and his 2 younger, older brothers, Chester and Dennis joined us the day after we arrived. What a blast. We visited the four points of Oahu. Haleiwa is the coolest f_cking town ever. The secret to a vacation in Oahu is to get the hell out of Waikiki.

The locals are real friendly; we witnessed a fight at Matsumoto’s Shave Ice and even they were friendly (still tough). However, the tourists of the Caucasian persuasion in Waikiki were pretty hostile, rude and ignorant. They have a staring problem, especially when any one of us would effortlessly speak our Californian fast-paced talking English. I guess they somehow mistakened us for one of the many Japanese tourists in Waikiki

Despite the setbacks, everything fell in its place. Paul had to rent a damn car because he got a hotel near the airport, unlike Kate, Kaye and Rich who stayed a block away from Waikiki Beach. Rental cars and Waikiki just means more money to spend. Parking fees, parking fees, walking, finding parking. However, the “Chech Engine” light lit up; Paul and I took it back to National Rental, and I asked for a bigger car. The bus was good, but a 6-seater for 7 people is even better. Then we decided to take advantage of what was once a setback. North Shore, East Side, west Oahu, god it was amazing. When we were handed lemon, we made Dole Whips!

Here I am, back in California. These are my takebacks: a fatty bruise on my left tricep from being pummeled by 10-15 ft waves at Sandy Beach (God, being raped by waves is most awesome). I 10 rolls of film to develop. Contrast. Yes, I said contrast. If you compared my ass to my back, there is now contrast. We hit the waves everyday.

>>> Pics [you'll need an imagestation account]